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the oracle
09 April 2008 @ 01:44 pm
sunday night i went to see C and P. C held my hand. we nearly kissed, but i couldn't do it - not sure why.
lots of stuff went through my head, B and how ripped she'd be if she knew that we took an interest in each other, and W, she's probably expecting it. i thought about the times before B was even in the picture. i've never known what i was doing when i kissed C in the past.

i need to move on by myself. i'll never forgive anyone.

last night i went and got drunk with C and P and C and i made out. it was really pretty hot. we writhed in time, kissed eachother's piercings which was amazingg... we have matching piercings (i have an extra one in my nose though).. we breathed in time, we felt in time and it felt awesome. W and i haven't felt in time for a couple of years. i wanted to spoon her to sleep. i wanted to kiss her face all over. i wanted to hold her to me until we crashed together. i don't love her, when i want to crash with someone i usually have an intense like lovey feeling. i have always been strangely fond of her, but it's like empty passion. it's still comforting.

my best friend/flatmate M knows about sunday night. i haven't been able to tell her about last night because i want to do it again and if everyone found out i'd get in a lot of trouble. P knows because you'd have to be blind to not see the amount of attention we've been giving eachother, plus we've been camping out in his bed. he couldn't care less though because he understands how i work and C and i have kind of talked about it and i was like i wanted to kiss you, i don't know why but i think somehow we're still on the same page on this one, which she agreed with. she would've told him what i said, and if he wasn't impressed with it he would let me know - he didn't. he almost seemed to encourage it.

it's good i'm bleeding like a stuck pig because i would've fucked her last night otherwise. she's never had her hands on my cunt before, she's grown sexually and it's endearing. i was a bit embarrassed that she kept touching me over my stockings and could probably feel my chunky padness. oh yeah, she even undid my bra which she's never done before, and totally groped my tits and it was hot. the way she touched me made me feel really sexy. and i think the way i touched her made her feel loved. i think this is our agenda. sex and love.

now i need to think about whether i tell W, do i tell her the whole story, do i ask to open our relationship, do i leave? i need to at least put a time line on telling her. maybe i should just not, and when mum moves, i should move too. i don't really want to leave. maybe i should sleep with C and see what happens, then tell her. C and i have never been destined for a relationship, we are far too different.

the one thing she said to me during the passionate writhing was, "i'm not like them".
the one thing i said to her during the passionate writhing was, "i understand".
i don't think i actually do understand.
the oracle
01 April 2008 @ 11:36 am
this morning i woke in a huff over a bad dream i had involving a rather nice wooden-floored flat, construction workers, W, B and a selection of other friends. oh, other key symbols were bags left in weird positions - below open wall-lengthed windows, doorways etc, and visibility jackets. are they called visibility jackets? lots of highlighter colours on jackets, pipe linings on clothes and the satchel left in weird places.
i don't really remember details like why that selection of people were gathered in this particular house, or what was happening most of the time, but at one point i was sitting at a picnic table with W and B and i think possibly M (bff/flatmate). W and B started holding hands like they did the night we all fucked, as B was leaving she sat down next to W and they kind of, slipped fingertips to fingertips. that is a very intimate affectionate gesture to me, it speaks quite loudly. in the dream it got me really upset, so much so that i jumped on top of B and started punching her in the face, holding her hair, trying to break her nose. her nose wouldn't break.
the clearest scene from this dream was her nose, looking slightly crooked and freckly, and my fist pummeling it but like, with the strength of a fist when you just wake up after a massive sleep. my upper arm was pumping but forearm and fist were dead.
i think we all went back to the rather nice wooden-floored flat (it reminded me of a nice mt eden house), where they kissed and again i tried to break B's nose. i don't know why it was so focussed on breaking noses. it was like she was made of rubber and that nose just was not gonna break. i got all distressed and went for a walk into my room. in my room there was a bag holding the door ajar and as i went to stand and be pensieve at my wall-lengthed window, there was a satchel with highlighter orange and blue pipe lining sitting half inside half outside.
i looked out the window and down the driveway towards the garage where there were heaps of big burly construction workers. i really don't see the connection there.
i woke up about now, absolutely flustered, stumbled out to the bathroom where W was on the toilet and hugged her, told her i'd had a horrible dream again and she was kind of blank, uncaring.
i felt disconnected and broken again. 
i worry that any kind of stability and semi-happy feeling is just my brain trying to give itself some time off from being totally devastated and miserable and lost. i know she's in pain because B was never planning to leave C for her, B used her to stroke her own ego. knowing that must hurt. but does she not see how much pain she's putting me through, and already has put me through? i don't know that i can let it go, consciously i can ignore it, i can be more aware of the good things, the fire i still have that's embers down in the pit of my black little heart burning for her, my undeniable sexual attraction to her, but knowing that i was completely replaced, manipulated into thinking i was a shitty shitty person who neglected her, pushed to the edge of her life really fucken hurts. subconsciously it's gonna haunt me for a long time. every night since the 8th or march i've had a bad dream involving her and B, or someone else she's slept with behind my back, people i've slept with with her knowledge, just people that i want to move forward or away from.
with the tiny little dream dictionary i have, i've figured most of my dreams have some kind of symbolism pointing towards breaking free from stuff that's affecting me that i don't actually want to be affecting me.
truth is, i think i like having a valid excuse to be the victim for once.
the oracle
30 March 2008 @ 05:36 pm
third journal.

first journal was full of shit- fourteen through seventeen. how could you expect more? i'm kind of sad it's dead though, because it would be awfully interesting to have a read of what i actually wrote down. embarrassing but interesting.
second journal was neglected and god i was too self conscious to actually say what i wanted most of the time. and also, too lazy to go customise friends lists for certain entries. that's a kind of shitty thing to do anyway, exclude certain people from certain aspects. isn't that what private is for? i guess i'm not as savvy as i'd like to think.

happy third journal. 

where do i start?
four months ago i saw the gossip, and that same night my girlfriend began an affair with one of my close friend's girlfriend. we shall call my girlfriend W, the mistress B and the friend C.

we all lived together along with a mass of other freaks/cunts in a scungey flat at the ass-end of newtown until i fucked up (which is another entry all together and we'll just touch that when it bites) and an ex best friend (she'll be called D for future reference) who is C's best friend from childhood, decided she was gonna move because i'm a cunt. fair enough. C joined in the moving plan, as did B because of course they're together. B was having an affair with a girl i'd seen who is the biggest predator/walking contradiction (she can be called R) on the face of the planet at this point in time. shortly after the decision was made that i sucked and she wanted to move D read B's diary, which had details about the affair with R all through it. D told C and C was devastated as you would be because R really is the worst person to have any kind of relationship other than platonic with. R's reputation precedes her.
anyway, B was quickly outcasted to the front of the house which was where i was exiled to perhaps a week earlier. i decided that everyone needs support, so i helped her out a bit by getting her trashed and letting her have a talk which i thought would've helped because i totally knew where B was coming from with her feelings for R. empty but present. which is the worst. i believed for a few months that B wouldn't do it to C again because C really does deserve better than that. around november i started getting iffy about B, and by new years i just knew she was gonna hurt C. the thought that W, my own gf, would be involved had never crossed my mind.

i don't know details. i don't know that i want to. i know what i've been told by C, and B and W in their attempts to save themselves. a few things i asked, but not many. all i know is W and B kissed on the night of the gossip, a show i had anticipated for a good three years, a show i thought brought people closer together as friends, beth ditto fucking kissed me on the cheek ffs. basically one of the best nights of my life, the love of my life was flirting and stalking for someone and got her. a couple of weeks later B was going to W's work about three times a week for lunch. i didn't have much of a clue about anything happening between them then, but they were hanging out and "nearly fucking" lots at that point. it was around chirstmas i started picking up little messages. W was going over her text limit, which she never does, and B was pushing a friendship with me quite heavily. a friend i had moved from the newtown flat to aro (who can be called P) started to make strange side comments about lunches and movie nights in island bay which was where B and C had a flat together, also where B and W had spent a lot of make-out time together. i didn't believe W would do that to me. after last year. after i had pushed so hard to get her detached from me, pushed her to leave me. when she hadn't left i stupidly trusted that everything had gone back to normal. somehow i knew not to trust B by now. i started being a cunt to her and bitching and moaning about her to everyone. nobody thought that B would do that to C. everyone trusted her.

by january W was barely putting out and was spending every free moment with B, sometimes with my knowledge but mainly without. she was constantly texting her, and the one or two times i asked her who she was texting she wouldn't answer. i could feel her resenting me. i just trusted she wouldn't wanna hurt me like that. in february W broke her arm, even when we were in hospital, her on the laughing gas with a fat arm and me worrying about how many bones were broken in there, she was texting B. a broken arm is a pretty good excuse to not fuck, but she was off making out with B a week later. she'd gone to a hospital appointment and just disappeared, without texting me. i rang her like five times, until she picked up, and she lied to me. she said she was there for dinner. she was there to get laid. she insists they only had sex once, which i'll cover later. every moment with her broken arm, if she wasn't on the internet talking to B she was texting her. i knew like a week before my birthday which is late february that something was wrong. i knew she was cheating on me, i just didn't want it confirmed, and i wanted to try blind faith around this time. i hit her up, asking what was wrong, apologising for being a crazy bitch, a drug addict, in love with her, i apologised for existing mainly, and begged her to just stay with me until i got into therapy. she was pretty much irresponsive. she just looked at me with her resentment, rolling her eyes and said "okay". i was in turmoil, she wouldn't say what was wrong but i knew there was something and it had to be serious.

MARCH 7: W gets a text from B. i didn't read it but it probably said something like "we're having drinks you should come out and leave alma behind so we can make-out". sometime before the sun was down i ask what we're doing tonight. W says "they're having drinks at island bay i was gonna go there", i'm like, okay so can i come? i know i've been a cunt to B but i'll apologise and come get drunk. W gets weird and sends a text. she gets a reply like ten minutes later that she laughs at, and then says that a girl that i HATE for what is actually a good reason but even i thought it was a bad reason at the time is there, meaning i'm not welcome and B would like to keep her guest's best interests. i pack a shit saying, what is so important about going there tonight why are you so set on it? W just avoids the question. i ask what she's been so angry about, "you give B so much shit, you are such a cunt to B for no fucking reason and i won't stand for it", W, you never had friends that you would stand up for with me. at this point i knew.
MARCH 8: i text one of B's flat mates and ask her to ask her to forgive me. W works, and is missing for two hours after work. no texts. she's with B. then i beg her to talk to me. we talk, i demand to know what the nature of her relatiponship with B is, she looks me in the eyes and says we're just friends. she tells me i'm too intense, she's not attracted to me anymore, she cares about me but doesn't have "that spark" for me anymore and she wants to see other people. i'm broken.
MARCH 9: W and i have dinner together in a public place where she is adamant she wants to see other people still, and is too drained to deal with me anymore, i beg her not to leave, in a fucking cafe, trying not to cry. i talk about our life we've built together, i admit it's shit and stuck but i also promise that i want to move forward, i insist i am moving forward, i should've gone and jumped off a building when she said she didn't want me. she is just cold. i'm broken into more pieces.
MARCH 10: i dote on her trying to prove that i really do wanna progress and get help. she texts B frequently.
MARCH 11: i dote on her. i shower. i put make up on. i make sure i look good before i see her. she texts B more frequently.
MARCH 12: i dote on her. i shower. i cook for her. i clean for her. i start a puzzle to have "quality time" with her, the whole time she is texting B. we have coffee with B's flatmate where we talk about the weekend before (the party W had missed) and it slips out that C and B have opened their relationship.
MARCH 13: W and i schedule dinner together, i ask for it to be before sundown so we could go for a walk or something in the sun. W goes to "coffee" with B, and when she comes to meet me, the sun is almost gone, she smells like other girls and is wearing a home made ring on her little finger. i know this was the last time they kissed before the shit hit the fan.
MARCH 14: i continue to dote. i continue to deny their relationship.
MARCH 15: there are drinks at island bay, and i am invited. i talk to B about C, how they're going, she moans and says C wants to pash my bff, she moans about how they're open and how she thinks everyone is hot. i know what's coming. i drink tequila. i sit with W trying to get her to be affectionate, she's watching the door for the girl that was in B's room. girl that was in B's room leaves, W gets up to get a polyprop. she got naked in front of her. we drive back to my house to get ready to go to karaoke. i drink more tequila. B mentions that W and i are a hot couple. i'm drunk so i say yeah we are, pash my gf, i know you want to. W sits there looking all cute. i say what am i even talking about, change the subject. then as we go to leave, B has conveniently forgotten her i.d and money for a taxi. B says she finds everything sexy, i go and get the tequila to have shots, someone throws out that we've never pashed before, either B or me. we agree it's weird because W and i have both pashed C before. stuff kind of blanks a little here, then B is on top of me, kissing me. i'm drunk and shocked. but i know this is what needs to happen to fix my relationship. W needs to fuck B and get it out of her system, because i'm not aware of the fact that they're having an emotional affair! i push B onto W and watch them for about two minutes. i see W is ecstatic, i see B is destroying herself. we make-out on the lounge floor for an hour, our flatmate comes home as we move it to the bedroom. as soon as our flatmate came home the world knew, which means the world knew before C. B says at random intervals, "how do i tell C that i slept with you AND W?", "i'm gonna get in so much trouble for this", "you guys are really hot". we all fuck, i don't cum. i don't know if B came, but W did.
B leaves, which is pretty blurry to me, and then i talk to W about what we've just done to one of our really good friends, and how we did it together and now we have to deal with the consequences together, she pinky promises me we'll do it together. she texts B. i fall asleep wondering what'll happen next.
MARCH 16: everyone knows, everyone bombards, everyone forgives. luckily for W i spoke on her behalf and covered her ass. P, our old flatmate who had known about the affair for months, who is also C's bff, comes over and listen to what i have to say. he says,"i wouldn't have done that, W and B are too alike and if they got together they could really hit it off". W and i go to beirut and she is completely disconnected, and ready to leave me for B. she won't even hold my hand.

MARCH 17: i wake up, talk to W about maybe apologising to C, i catch a glimpse of a text from B to her saying "i'm sorry i didn't text much yesterday C was just..". i go outside for a smoke with my flatmate. she says, "there's something i have to tell you, you're my best friend, i can't keep this from you. my heart's racing. they've been seeing eachother since the gossip". my heart breaks, physically, snaps. i almost hear it. i run inside, open the door to my room, run up to W and slap her as hard as i can across the side of her face she just got teeth pulled from on friday. i start crying, my heart isn't beating, i start yelling i know, she says know what, about you and B who can i tell, noone, whatever i'm telling C. she starts to text B, she's flustered. i grab her phone, "NO TALK TO ME", snap it in half. i calm down and talk about how i can forgive her, it pales in comparison to what i've done to her, she can text B off my phone and tell her. she does. B texts back, "you twat. my fault for going near you", i let her go to see her one last time, because if i had known the last time i saw E would be the last time i would've been so happy. B and i talk. i tell her how shit she is, how she has problems and how she doesn't deserve C. i then offer her support. i see C, for the first time after fucking her gf, and cry in her arms.

now i'm stuck, i don't remember the days since then, not in order, not fully either. i don't know how to feel, i don't know whether i want to be alone or surrounded by people. i don't know whether i want to be pelted with stones or glorified. i don't know whether i want friends, where i want to be, who i want to be, what i want to be, when i want to be. 
i know i need to clean my shit up though, i can't continue a cycle of secrets and lies. and i know i'm strong enough to come out of this healed. wish me luck.
Current Mood: exhaustedexhausted