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24 May 2009 @ 10:52 pm
out at the pictures  
i'm not even gonna bother reading my previous entries, because they'll make me squirm. but basically me thinking i was in love with c was and is absolutely ridiculous, i think i was just so totally alone in what i was going through and she was the only person who could even begin to understand the shithole that was my mind and life. not that i'm much better now but you know, i'm not desperately swooning over someone who isn't even my type usually.

i've been living in melbourne now for nearly eight months, it's been pretty good. i'm still painfully socially retarded, but i have a managed to make a few friends and acquaintances. when i was like 15 a move like this would've been sooo easy. i came here with this stupid thought in my head that i would change, be able to work, make friends etc etc, and of course the practical things like those didn't heal. i've gone for the grand total of one job interview in which i decided it would be a good idea to be brutally honest and totally NOT sell myself to said employer. said employer should've at least called me back to say i was useless because it was hooked up through w, and said employer didn't even do that. i don't blame her one bit though, i spent the bulk of the interview talking about how useless i was and staring at her tits haha.

i've changed a fair bit mentally though. i haven't hurt myself since leaving nz. one night i got obscenely drunk and threw myself into walls and smashed my head against tile floors but apparently a lot of my friends do stuff like that to cope with an overload. i haven't been a psychotic mess with girls and boys either.
in the first month of being here i was really good, i actually fell back in love with w, her and i worked really well together and we still do. we made a lot of rules for our relationship when we arrived.
numero uno rule is no secrets. i've kept to that rule better than i would've at home. i still have kept secrets, just no really crucial ones. the second rule which kind of comes with number one is we have clear communication, air our opinions when we need/want to. that's working out well for us, as w was always really closed unless i pushed her over her limits, kind of like an attack i guess. i don't attack her for information anymore. i keep my cool. number three is we're monogamous and if there is someone else we wanr, we do it together. no polygamy. it was totally a phase, even when we were in nz and 'monogamous' , i wasn't thinking monogamously at all. i am now. to a point.
i know number three seems redundant. if you fuck people together is it not still nonmonogamy? that's my main problem atm. i don't now if it is. i can't split my mind up properly to make a decision.

so what's happened in my tumultuous love life? you and i both know stuff has been going down.
as i said, in the first month of being here i was good, and focussed on lana, but the night i arrived i met a girl, we'll call her j. (god i wish i could find the balls to use people's real names, i'm just too worried about being found by someone i don't want knowing all the details of my love life for the last 12 months). anyway.
the night i arrived i got fucken trashed and met a few people. i had spoken to j on the phone when m had called me while i was still in nz. we got on really well on the phone haha, and i found out later on that she'd facebook stalked me and i her. anyway, she walked in an straight away i was like, 'that girl is gay as hell and also cute as a button'. but because i was so into w at the time i pushed it out, i did take a special social interest in her though, and she did me, or should i say us, w and i. that first night her and i sat by ourselves and talked shit like we'd been friends forever, she told me about how m and i were like herself and her  best friend, and that m made more sense to her now that she'd met her partner in crime. we talked about wasted times, and made plans to get wasted together again. the first week we were there she heckled us heaps to come out with her. we ended up helping her move her stuff on the friday and all day we were laughing and joking around, i asked her a little about her orientation which she explained was up for debate, she'd never slept with a girl 'really' but she hadn't taken it out of the question, and admitted she thought a lot of women were awesome hot and she'd made out with a few girls and preferred them to boys, kissing and feel wise.
that night she forced w and i to go out (i was crying in bed at m's house being homesick) to a drag king night. all night she was talking about being slightly gay and rating girls with us, and on the way home after falling off some stairs onto her head, put her head in w's lap and her hand out to hold mine. i freaked out a little and didn't properly grasp her back but after that i was swooning.

the thing about her is she's a glorious fuck up. she can't deal with money, her emotions, anyone caring about her too much, anyone trying to help her, she can't deal with her own mind, her own heart, she can't deal without drugs and liquor, she can't relate to human beings. the inability to relate to other people really fucks her up. she gets frustrated, and turns into a cunt when i try to get her to put herself in someone else's shoes. her eyes show how many secrets she keeps, how tired she is because she's terrified of sleeping because she thinks she's going to die, they have dark lines under them, just like me. somedays hers are more pronounced than others, but they're always there nonetheless. her eyes are the only part of her face that show her real emotion, and the rest of her face is kind of contorted from faking emotions she can't feel for i don't know how long. since being a kid i guess. her issues are so deep seated i find it hard to change my expectations for her. she can't hold down a job, at the moment she's homeless, and has been for about six weeks. i'm sure you can see now why i'm so attracted to her. she's exactly how i would be if i hadn't found w.
anyway, within a couple of weeks we'd spent a lot of time with her, and she'd asked us to find a flat with her. during that time her and i were doing most of the work because w was just starting work/looking for a job, and the days we spent together were weird. i deliberately made myself clueless to the signs. she came around some mornings and made me breakfast, took me out to places for breakfast or coffee, internet cafes, house viewings. we had some interesting conversations during that time too. she danced over some stuff for a while and then all of a sudden she decided she wanted us or something. she started talking about being gay more and more, told me about a time she had a threesome with a guy and girl, no real details, but what i gathered was that she'd made out with the girl while fucking the guy and while the girl was fucking him too. i think that's a situation that you could call sex if you felt it was. she told me she'd had crushes on girls before and stuff like that. no specifics. she played it cool.
one night we went out to a party and we sat drinking together in the hallway, and she leant over and asked me what it was like fucking a girl. i said that oral with a girl is the best sex you can have, and she said that she planned to have sex with a girl in the 'very near future'. i still didn't get it, even though she was right up against me and like whispering in my ear. it was a few days after that when she started calling me adorable and hot, and lingering with looks and touches. on a tram ride she asked me about w and my relationship, and i said we only did things together. that night she lay next to me in the hostel bed and cuddled me, held my hand. the next night she cuddled me again, and held w's hand over me, i was in the middle, we were drinking vodka, and she came up to my ear and said, 'don't even pretend that we're not gonna make out tonight', grabbed my hair and kissed me. i got the best butterflies i've felt in ages. the three of us all made out to an extreme, i think it was that night or the next night that she put her hands down w's pants and fucked her. when she fucked her, w came kind of quickly and we were all going for quite a while until w put her head up and said that she couldn't cum, at which point j got totally embarrassed because she hadn't realised she'd already made her cum. she slithered up to the top bunk and went to sleep. at the time i thought that she just didn't find me as attractive as w, and that's why she didn't fuck me, but i figured out that it was because i was really self conscious with her, and moved her hands when she got too close to my cunt and belly. i hate people touching my belly.
the next few nights in the hostel we got hideously drunk and fucked. it was so hot, three bodies moving in time, being able to swap between two people that i was really into, the new dynamic of j, her style was unique, i guess because it was all new to her. we started saying that we should stop because we were going to llive together, i said, 'i know but i just can't help it you're a magnet', and she said, 'i can't help it either you're amazing'. she started asking questions about w and my history and i explained that people come and go, they're usually fleeting and she said 'i hope you don't think i'm fleeting'. i didn't realise until it was all over that she really liked both of us. heaps.
her and i travelled on the trains together and held hands under our jackets and bags, she bit at my neck. it was like this for two weeks. it was like having a sex family, two people that i could touch when i wanted (provided it wasn't in front of her friends which i never tried anyway, and it was never a defined rule i just knew not to) i did cute things for her, did pretty much everything she asked of me. w and i got a spare moment to talk about it once and we both agreed that we were seriously swooning and we had to keep everything clear between the two of us at least, if she wouldn't have a proper conversation when the time came. of course when we all moved in together the time came to have an adult conversation and none of us could execute it. we just got drunk and made out. lay together on the floor of the lounge and touched eachother. after a fortnight of being in the flat things started to get crazy, one night when we were making out it was just too sexual and she freaked out. she threw us off her and threw herself onto the floor and cried in a ball. i hadn't realised that she wasn't out, and was far from comfortable with the thought of being a lesbian. it's been so long since i went through that i didn't think about it. i didn't realise how much the fact that she had fucked, and was really into not just one girl but two and not just two girls, a long term couple would affect her. i had spent too much time thinking about the situation selfishly and hadn't stopped being self conscious (i myself never got to have full on sex with her because of my hang ups). w and her had gotten too close for my liking, but i know now it was all in my head, her and i had insane chemistry, way too much in common to think anything other than perfection. i thought they were too close and i started getting weird towards w. and then the self harm night came. something made me really upset when i was drunk and i screamed at w, called her a whore, called j a whore, said that it was b happening again and just scared the living shit out of everyone. i smashed myself against walls, tried to tell c who had moved a little after us and was living with us (i was totally over her before she even came) to kill me, tried to get everyone to let me cut myself. j freaked out even more, ran around the house and got everything i could possibly hurt myself with, hid it, tried to shake me until i attacked her at which point she gave up and got angry at me. she can't relate at all, and i know that now, besides noone could get through to me. i think she was pretty disappointed in me too, one of the nights we'd spent up together lying in bed cuddling until we couldn't keep our eyes open talking she'd told me she never wanted me to hurt myself ever again and if i did she'd kick my ass, she cared about me too much to see me do that to myself, thought too much of me to see me be that selfish. the conversations we'd had late at night were the best things about our whole thing. we talked about our dreams, she told me that she hated how she was and how she wished she could help herself, that she thought she was going to die before doing anything she really wanted to in her life and that she couldn't stop that happening because of the things she feels guilty about. one thing i remember that made me say, 'you are the cutest thing in the world' was she said she wannted a pet bird to call babette and she would make it jewellery and never leave it in a cage. she's so fucken cute. anyway, i got off course, the next day i tried to apologise but she hadn't slept and had to work, so she called me from work. i tried to apologise as best as i could, i never apologise. i tried to explain that i didn't really know what i was saying, that i was just pulling shit off the top of my head and i didn't mean to scare her and i didn't know how to make it up to her. she said there was no way and that she thought i needed help, she was sorry for not believing me when i said i was fucking nuts and that she didn't want to stay away but she was going to for a few nights. i said that was probably the best idea and i was sorry sorry sorry. things have been fucked since then.
she didn't stay away long, a night maybe, then my mum was visiting so of course we couldn't have a proper conversation, things were awkward. i realised all the stuff in that time, the following week or so. i had been totally selfish and expected the wrong things, hadn't been what i had wanted to be for her. after a few weeks she came back to me though, and totally ignored w. it wasn't sexual though, we didn't kiss for months. we just held hands, held each other, slept next to eachother, looked at eachother differently. in the middle of the nigt when we were togther i'd wake up to her looking at me, she'd lean over and kiss me, but it was never a pash. she'd stroke my hair, lay on me while we watched movies, let me stroke her skin and stuff. when we were alone we'd have weird awkward deep conversations, skip over details, stop midsentence and leave things to be interpretted however. i then made the mistake of telling m about it all because she knew something was up. she told her that i'd told her, and one thing she had defined was i was to not tell anyone about the extent of it. all physical contact stopped. she stayed away from home for a long time. we didn't even sit next to eachother for a couple of months. then stuff started back up again when she heard that i'd made out with a boy, and met a few cute girls i wanted to pursue. a couple of nights before we left our old house we got drunk together (something she had avoided for months) and of course, we ended up having a deep and meaningful, during which she stopped me, looked at me, told me she loved me but wasn't in love with me yet and kissed me and we spent the night together.
now everytime we're alone we have this weird smile thing going on and i'm sure something is going to happen.. i hope it does.