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16 August 2008 @ 10:21 pm
take me on the floor  
so, what has happened in these few months? my best friend/flatmate M has left the country, not before telling C she liked her.
of course this little revelation came as a shock to both of them, that they liked each other, and yet somehow i knew it the whole time. C and i never really spoke about what happened between us until last night. she just kind of killed it off, and watching her and M flourish and play their games kind of forced me to accept that i'll never leave W and even if i did whoever is after her won't be my life partner, haha.

i'll start earlier back though, some interesting things have happened.. nothing came of my crush on the rockstar lookalike, i was always around people that came before her so alas there was no hand holding again. about a month ago i got half raped by R, my ex lover and a random boy off the street. i pretty much lead her on being like oh woe is me noone loves me because that night C had diverted all her attention to M, snuck out at 5am, went to her house in the middle of town and she came stumbling in with a random boy actually off the street, not as in homeless but she met him at the lights around the corner and brought him home to me, fucked him pretending it was me. that last detail was never said out loud, but the way she looked at me and touched me and forced me (as far as she could) into position spoke volumes. she wanted me to want her. and i didn't. so when i snuck out of her house like five hours later she half cried, all i could do was say i'm sorry and kiss her on the forehead. we didn't speak again until last week. when i say half raped, i really blatantly didn't want to sleep with her, i wanted spoons and maybe a kiss, i didn't want to fuck her, but she wouldn't accept that. i know i could've left, and that's what makes it easier to deal with.

LAST NIGHT.
it still hasn't all sunk in, C talked to me for about two hours about how much she liked M and wanted something with her, texted her this thing committing herself to her, three bottles of wine later we were holding hands and touching pretty much right in W's face. as soon as she went to bed, C was on me. we pretty much fucked, no tops, pants undone hands where they could get to. it was really hot but also really awkward because now i have to deal with my BEST FRIEND IN THE WORLD hating me, being jealous of me. what does it all mean? while we were alone and drinking before W came home we talked about us, she said she liked me enough to go ut with me at the time this all started but when she thought about it she thought we were too crazy for each other and we would fuck each other up beyond words, "we would die". her words, not mine. i kept my mouth shut tight the entire conversation other than you know that i understand and well i just let it go anyway because no matter what we'd be second best to each other. i don't know if i believe that. i really like her. i think we could have a beautiful life together and actually grow together. am i being crazy? no matter what though, i'm at the point i can hold back, and i'm doing anything unless she is clear with me. i want her to see me.

BUT I HAVE A LIFE PARTNER THAT I DO LOVE MORE THAN THE SUN. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME.