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12 May 2008 @ 03:14 pm
have you heard the news that you're dead?  
i had another interesting dream last night/thismorning.
i'm pretty sure there was a story before the parts i remember. i just cannot for the life of me remember it.
i ended up in a stark white room with a big set of drawers. there were three drawers.
i opened the top one, it was really easy to open, and there was nothing in it, just newspaper lining the bottom. i felt slightly disappointed. i closed it, and opened the middle drawer, it was a bit harder to get open than the top one, because in it was W sleeping.
i looked at her and felt sad, pushed it closed- out of sight out of mind i guess.

the bottom drawer.
it was realy fucken hard to open, i had to use both of my arms. i yanked it open and in it was C and B.
at first i thought they were eachother, B was closer to me, on the left, facing straight up, with her arm behind her head, looking strong, or nonchalant, or just, looking like the one with the power/control. C was on her side on the right clinging to B. i thought B should've been clinging to C. there was a space for another person next to B. i looked at it, but i knew i was supposed to be in there with just C. i dragged B out of the drawer, got in with C and closed it up. then i woke up.

apparently drawers represent your hidden state of being. the top one represents your ego, and the bottom on represents your deeper unconscious thoughts. i thought it was pretty interesting that my top drawer, my ego, was completely empty, and my bottom drawer had C and B in it. i've had weird feelings for both of them since everything came out. i wish someone would tell me what the middle drawer is, is it my present consciousness? i would assume it represents what's on my plate.

so basically, as i've interpretted it, my ego/self esteem is fucked to shit, so i've put people in my drawers, people that i'll never be able to properly connect with. W being alone in my present consciousness or whatever the right words would be for that, is kind of interesting too, but i'd at least expect another copy of me to be in there with her because i feel like i am working with her. but no, it was just her alone, and i think that's what my dream is trying to tell me, i'm not actually focussing on myself still, i'm still trying to find me within other people. i'm holding onto her but not us, which i think is what i should be doing- holding onto us i mean.
and getting into the drawer with C, well that's pretty obvious to me. i am attracted to her, have always been attracted to her, but right now she is the only person i feel safe enough to hide with, lock myself in a drawer with. which is confusing for me, dampening the desire to fuck her brains out. i know if i fucked her she'd fuck off and wouldn't talk to me, and my life would be more ruined because i'd lose the one person who understands me and what's eating me right about now.

i'm changing so much, i think i preferred being an insensitive arrogant cunt eyes.
being weak is such a hard choice to make, admitting i don't know what i feel or why i don't know. trying to live today knowing i'll probably know just as little tomorrow, the next day, and the day after that.

oh i almost forgot, a girl that i've had a crush on since i met her like just over a year ago came and stayed with us on the weekend and i'd finally gotten to the point that i didn't think she'd ever be interested in me, we half held hands! she looks kinda like one of my favourite rockstars and is like immensely cute, kinda shyish and has a social problem- just the way i like them haha.
anyway, i figured when we were all mooshed up on the couch that we were just touching cos we had to, but as more room became available she didn't move. she put her arm on mine, but still on top of the covers and i was under them. i ended up moving my hand right up on hers, we could feel eachother's hands through the blankets and we were kind of like twitching. then she moved and put her hand under the blankets. i was being real sneaky cos i didn't want C or M to pick up on what was going on, and i was getting embarrassed because W came home, and my hand was sweaty as, so we ended up just like, having our arms wrapped around eachother's arms, and stroking eachother's legs. and we were holding feet too haha. i'm pretty sure that W and C noticed what was going on but neither of them said anything. mind you, C doesn't really talk to me about my relations with other people anymore. when T comes back i'm gonna pash her. we had a moment when W went to get changed and C went toilet where we kinda looked at eachother and i thought for a second maybe i should kiss her, but because there was no overt hand holding i decided that pouncing on her was probably the wrong thing to do. i'm not gonna tell anyone about it though. i think that's how i cursed C and i. i mean i know we're not gonna get together, but we could've had a bit of a more interesting love affair. i mean we still half smash together when we're alone but she totally digs on M and forgets i even exist when she's there. way to fucken drive a pipe between me and my best friend haha. anyway, i ain't telling noone about T cos i have liked her for so long and once again M and her have something going on. but M should just fuck off outta my friends, and stop making them think they'll fall in love cos she's leaving. i have to admit that i'm waiting for her leaving, and i'll be disappointed when/if she comes back. i'm totally the shittest friend on the face of the planet.

i know i'm just searching for a bandage. i just want someone to stop my bleeding cos i'm draining quick.
she told me i've been plaguing her dreams, and i felt bad because she wasn't plaguing mine.