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the oracle
24 May 2009 @ 10:52 pm
i'm not even gonna bother reading my previous entries, because they'll make me squirm. but basically me thinking i was in love with c was and is absolutely ridiculous, i think i was just so totally alone in what i was going through and she was the only person who could even begin to understand the shithole that was my mind and life. not that i'm much better now but you know, i'm not desperately swooning over someone who isn't even my type usually.

i've been living in melbourne now for nearly eight months, it's been pretty good. i'm still painfully socially retarded, but i have a managed to make a few friends and acquaintances. when i was like 15 a move like this would've been sooo easy. i came here with this stupid thought in my head that i would change, be able to work, make friends etc etc, and of course the practical things like those didn't heal. i've gone for the grand total of one job interview in which i decided it would be a good idea to be brutally honest and totally NOT sell myself to said employer. said employer should've at least called me back to say i was useless because it was hooked up through w, and said employer didn't even do that. i don't blame her one bit though, i spent the bulk of the interview talking about how useless i was and staring at her tits haha.

i've changed a fair bit mentally though. i haven't hurt myself since leaving nz. one night i got obscenely drunk and threw myself into walls and smashed my head against tile floors but apparently a lot of my friends do stuff like that to cope with an overload. i haven't been a psychotic mess with girls and boys either.
in the first month of being here i was really good, i actually fell back in love with w, her and i worked really well together and we still do. we made a lot of rules for our relationship when we arrived.
numero uno rule is no secrets. i've kept to that rule better than i would've at home. i still have kept secrets, just no really crucial ones. the second rule which kind of comes with number one is we have clear communication, air our opinions when we need/want to. that's working out well for us, as w was always really closed unless i pushed her over her limits, kind of like an attack i guess. i don't attack her for information anymore. i keep my cool. number three is we're monogamous and if there is someone else we wanr, we do it together. no polygamy. it was totally a phase, even when we were in nz and 'monogamous' , i wasn't thinking monogamously at all. i am now. to a point.
i know number three seems redundant. if you fuck people together is it not still nonmonogamy? that's my main problem atm. i don't now if it is. i can't split my mind up properly to make a decision.

so what's happened in my tumultuous love life? you and i both know stuff has been going down.
as i said, in the first month of being here i was good, and focussed on lana, but the night i arrived i met a girl, we'll call her j. (god i wish i could find the balls to use people's real names, i'm just too worried about being found by someone i don't want knowing all the details of my love life for the last 12 months). anyway.
the night i arrived i got fucken trashed and met a few people. i had spoken to j on the phone when m had called me while i was still in nz. we got on really well on the phone haha, and i found out later on that she'd facebook stalked me and i her. anyway, she walked in an straight away i was like, 'that girl is gay as hell and also cute as a button'. but because i was so into w at the time i pushed it out, i did take a special social interest in her though, and she did me, or should i say us, w and i. that first night her and i sat by ourselves and talked shit like we'd been friends forever, she told me about how m and i were like herself and her  best friend, and that m made more sense to her now that she'd met her partner in crime. we talked about wasted times, and made plans to get wasted together again. the first week we were there she heckled us heaps to come out with her. we ended up helping her move her stuff on the friday and all day we were laughing and joking around, i asked her a little about her orientation which she explained was up for debate, she'd never slept with a girl 'really' but she hadn't taken it out of the question, and admitted she thought a lot of women were awesome hot and she'd made out with a few girls and preferred them to boys, kissing and feel wise.
that night she forced w and i to go out (i was crying in bed at m's house being homesick) to a drag king night. all night she was talking about being slightly gay and rating girls with us, and on the way home after falling off some stairs onto her head, put her head in w's lap and her hand out to hold mine. i freaked out a little and didn't properly grasp her back but after that i was swooning.

the thing about her is she's a glorious fuck up. she can't deal with money, her emotions, anyone caring about her too much, anyone trying to help her, she can't deal with her own mind, her own heart, she can't deal without drugs and liquor, she can't relate to human beings. the inability to relate to other people really fucks her up. she gets frustrated, and turns into a cunt when i try to get her to put herself in someone else's shoes. her eyes show how many secrets she keeps, how tired she is because she's terrified of sleeping because she thinks she's going to die, they have dark lines under them, just like me. somedays hers are more pronounced than others, but they're always there nonetheless. her eyes are the only part of her face that show her real emotion, and the rest of her face is kind of contorted from faking emotions she can't feel for i don't know how long. since being a kid i guess. her issues are so deep seated i find it hard to change my expectations for her. she can't hold down a job, at the moment she's homeless, and has been for about six weeks. i'm sure you can see now why i'm so attracted to her. she's exactly how i would be if i hadn't found w.
anyway, within a couple of weeks we'd spent a lot of time with her, and she'd asked us to find a flat with her. during that time her and i were doing most of the work because w was just starting work/looking for a job, and the days we spent together were weird. i deliberately made myself clueless to the signs. she came around some mornings and made me breakfast, took me out to places for breakfast or coffee, internet cafes, house viewings. we had some interesting conversations during that time too. she danced over some stuff for a while and then all of a sudden she decided she wanted us or something. she started talking about being gay more and more, told me about a time she had a threesome with a guy and girl, no real details, but what i gathered was that she'd made out with the girl while fucking the guy and while the girl was fucking him too. i think that's a situation that you could call sex if you felt it was. she told me she'd had crushes on girls before and stuff like that. no specifics. she played it cool.
one night we went out to a party and we sat drinking together in the hallway, and she leant over and asked me what it was like fucking a girl. i said that oral with a girl is the best sex you can have, and she said that she planned to have sex with a girl in the 'very near future'. i still didn't get it, even though she was right up against me and like whispering in my ear. it was a few days after that when she started calling me adorable and hot, and lingering with looks and touches. on a tram ride she asked me about w and my relationship, and i said we only did things together. that night she lay next to me in the hostel bed and cuddled me, held my hand. the next night she cuddled me again, and held w's hand over me, i was in the middle, we were drinking vodka, and she came up to my ear and said, 'don't even pretend that we're not gonna make out tonight', grabbed my hair and kissed me. i got the best butterflies i've felt in ages. the three of us all made out to an extreme, i think it was that night or the next night that she put her hands down w's pants and fucked her. when she fucked her, w came kind of quickly and we were all going for quite a while until w put her head up and said that she couldn't cum, at which point j got totally embarrassed because she hadn't realised she'd already made her cum. she slithered up to the top bunk and went to sleep. at the time i thought that she just didn't find me as attractive as w, and that's why she didn't fuck me, but i figured out that it was because i was really self conscious with her, and moved her hands when she got too close to my cunt and belly. i hate people touching my belly.
the next few nights in the hostel we got hideously drunk and fucked. it was so hot, three bodies moving in time, being able to swap between two people that i was really into, the new dynamic of j, her style was unique, i guess because it was all new to her. we started saying that we should stop because we were going to llive together, i said, 'i know but i just can't help it you're a magnet', and she said, 'i can't help it either you're amazing'. she started asking questions about w and my history and i explained that people come and go, they're usually fleeting and she said 'i hope you don't think i'm fleeting'. i didn't realise until it was all over that she really liked both of us. heaps.
her and i travelled on the trains together and held hands under our jackets and bags, she bit at my neck. it was like this for two weeks. it was like having a sex family, two people that i could touch when i wanted (provided it wasn't in front of her friends which i never tried anyway, and it was never a defined rule i just knew not to) i did cute things for her, did pretty much everything she asked of me. w and i got a spare moment to talk about it once and we both agreed that we were seriously swooning and we had to keep everything clear between the two of us at least, if she wouldn't have a proper conversation when the time came. of course when we all moved in together the time came to have an adult conversation and none of us could execute it. we just got drunk and made out. lay together on the floor of the lounge and touched eachother. after a fortnight of being in the flat things started to get crazy, one night when we were making out it was just too sexual and she freaked out. she threw us off her and threw herself onto the floor and cried in a ball. i hadn't realised that she wasn't out, and was far from comfortable with the thought of being a lesbian. it's been so long since i went through that i didn't think about it. i didn't realise how much the fact that she had fucked, and was really into not just one girl but two and not just two girls, a long term couple would affect her. i had spent too much time thinking about the situation selfishly and hadn't stopped being self conscious (i myself never got to have full on sex with her because of my hang ups). w and her had gotten too close for my liking, but i know now it was all in my head, her and i had insane chemistry, way too much in common to think anything other than perfection. i thought they were too close and i started getting weird towards w. and then the self harm night came. something made me really upset when i was drunk and i screamed at w, called her a whore, called j a whore, said that it was b happening again and just scared the living shit out of everyone. i smashed myself against walls, tried to tell c who had moved a little after us and was living with us (i was totally over her before she even came) to kill me, tried to get everyone to let me cut myself. j freaked out even more, ran around the house and got everything i could possibly hurt myself with, hid it, tried to shake me until i attacked her at which point she gave up and got angry at me. she can't relate at all, and i know that now, besides noone could get through to me. i think she was pretty disappointed in me too, one of the nights we'd spent up together lying in bed cuddling until we couldn't keep our eyes open talking she'd told me she never wanted me to hurt myself ever again and if i did she'd kick my ass, she cared about me too much to see me do that to myself, thought too much of me to see me be that selfish. the conversations we'd had late at night were the best things about our whole thing. we talked about our dreams, she told me that she hated how she was and how she wished she could help herself, that she thought she was going to die before doing anything she really wanted to in her life and that she couldn't stop that happening because of the things she feels guilty about. one thing i remember that made me say, 'you are the cutest thing in the world' was she said she wannted a pet bird to call babette and she would make it jewellery and never leave it in a cage. she's so fucken cute. anyway, i got off course, the next day i tried to apologise but she hadn't slept and had to work, so she called me from work. i tried to apologise as best as i could, i never apologise. i tried to explain that i didn't really know what i was saying, that i was just pulling shit off the top of my head and i didn't mean to scare her and i didn't know how to make it up to her. she said there was no way and that she thought i needed help, she was sorry for not believing me when i said i was fucking nuts and that she didn't want to stay away but she was going to for a few nights. i said that was probably the best idea and i was sorry sorry sorry. things have been fucked since then.
she didn't stay away long, a night maybe, then my mum was visiting so of course we couldn't have a proper conversation, things were awkward. i realised all the stuff in that time, the following week or so. i had been totally selfish and expected the wrong things, hadn't been what i had wanted to be for her. after a few weeks she came back to me though, and totally ignored w. it wasn't sexual though, we didn't kiss for months. we just held hands, held each other, slept next to eachother, looked at eachother differently. in the middle of the nigt when we were togther i'd wake up to her looking at me, she'd lean over and kiss me, but it was never a pash. she'd stroke my hair, lay on me while we watched movies, let me stroke her skin and stuff. when we were alone we'd have weird awkward deep conversations, skip over details, stop midsentence and leave things to be interpretted however. i then made the mistake of telling m about it all because she knew something was up. she told her that i'd told her, and one thing she had defined was i was to not tell anyone about the extent of it. all physical contact stopped. she stayed away from home for a long time. we didn't even sit next to eachother for a couple of months. then stuff started back up again when she heard that i'd made out with a boy, and met a few cute girls i wanted to pursue. a couple of nights before we left our old house we got drunk together (something she had avoided for months) and of course, we ended up having a deep and meaningful, during which she stopped me, looked at me, told me she loved me but wasn't in love with me yet and kissed me and we spent the night together.
now everytime we're alone we have this weird smile thing going on and i'm sure something is going to happen.. i hope it does.
 
 
the oracle
28 September 2008 @ 04:55 pm
i'm seriously considering going to america instead of the uk next year. i've been reading the 9/11 commission's report and it makes no sense, it's almost a narrative not a report.
i'm not far through, only up to the FAA and NORAD's awareness of the flights, but they're making excuses.
'NORAD was created to defend 'mainly' against external attacks, and against the trafficking of weapons of mass destruction from the soviets during the cold war', 'there was only nine minutes between the ATC's realising we had a hijacked plane and flight 11 hitting the tower', FUCK PLEASE.
the statistic that made me realise the entire story is a load of shit was in 2000 or 1999 NORAD had 66 call outs with an 100% success rate, and in 2001, in one day, they lost four planes! BULLSHIT.

it makes me so fucken angry, some fucken group of super rich elite are sitting in their fucken $2354389734896734896724 mansions in the florida keys laughing their asses off at the rest of the world.
in general, we are stupid stupid people, it is just so sad that nobody cares enough to question what's filtered down to them.

america,
your democracy is an illusion. if i were a citizen, i wouldn't vote. your vote will be cast for you regardless of whether you go down to the booths or not. it sucks. please wake up and do something about it! if mccain gets presidency i'll laugh. sarah palin is quite possibly the most dimwitted idiot in the entire world, and having her involved in the running of any country is just lol-worthy. who the fuck is ANYONE to tell another woman what to do with her body, let alone some stupid corporate oil loving alaskan!

please please please REVOLT, or the world (as america pretty much has the monopoly) stands to face a loss of hundreds of years work towards equality. PLEASE.
 
 
the oracle
14 days until i leave. i've written R, S and C letters, i think i will send R's tonight. i'm pretty happy with it. i basically wanted her to have a piece of me to hold onto, something tangible, my writing, and i put a lavender in there for her. the envelope smells heavenly hehe. i'm gonna miss her so much. not having her bed to crawl into will suck.
S's will probably get sent with R's. i'm just so self conscious when it comes to her, it was hard for me to even get it in the envelope and address it. i'm worried it won't mean anything to her. and i have no way of knowing if it will. ack. but i've never known if i meant anything to her anyway so i guess it doesn't really matter.
C... i basically wrote:
when we touch i feel something magical and i can't handle the silence anymore, tell me if i should open or close my feelings for you.
took me four pages to get that out. maybe i should just copy paste that and facebook her it. i'm so worried that she doesn't even care about me and i'm her revenge/self esteem/replacement. but at the same time i kind of hope i am, because if i'm not, if i do mean something to her, i will probably leave W. i think that if i had left her at the beginning C and i would probably have gotten together about now.
i worry. worry worry. it's in my genes, i can't help it!
at first it was just nothing. well. i've always fancied her, but she was never an option for me because when she came into my life, although W and i were nonmonogamous at the time, i was happy with her, and C was just an addition to my friends. it just wasn't like that yknow? i didn't think that would change. i don't think i can even remember the moment it changed for me.

it was looking in her eyes the day we found out about W and B.

they were so amber, rich, hurt, pained. she was so vulnerable and she let her tears out on me. what our partners did connected us unintentionally. both of them will come to regret that one day. i can barely ever look her in the eyes when we're just talking and hanging out like friends, but when she needs me, when she wants to share something with me, i can't take my eyes off hers.

fuck. i think i'm in love with her.
 
 
the oracle
so.
i'm pretty happy i think. generally. my mental issues are starting to get regularity, i'm kind of coping. i cry before i settle for sleep, but not in a pointless way, just in a, i really need to shake these tears out to work through this issue right now way. i usually just cry for crying's sake.
i've been thinking about moving and growing, and getting worried. i don't want a job, ew, working is vile. but i don't want to be a drug dealer or hooker, so basically, i need to get a jobby job, it sucks.

what happens if i get a job and i fuck it up?
what happens if i don't even get a job because i only have bits of experience here and there?
what happens if because i'm not earning any money W leaves me?
what happens if we can't find a house they'll let us in to?
what happens if i can't quit drugs and i carry my habit there?
what happens if my teeth really do start falling out and i need dental work?
what happens if W meets someone else?
what happens if i meet someone else?
what happens if when C gets there we still have our weird thing?
what happens if i get in a mood with three or more of these things going wrong?
what happens if i jump in front of a tram?
what happens if my mum or my gran get sick?
what happens if i lose the plot?
what happens if things are just as bad there as they are here?

all in all i've forgiven W, and moved past the climatic point of my obsession with C. she is amazing and cute and we have that thing that feels like magnets in your chest. but i've learnt from experience that magnet feeling is usually empty lust once pursued. i just have this sneaking suspicion that everything that's happened in my life until now has lead me to her. and things are still happening that make me think maybe.

i saw S yesterday. i messaged her last week asking if i could see her but our times wouldn't match up, so i kind of let go of the thought of seeing her a last time and actually closing our shit up. of course some kind of freak coincidence had to occur, and as i was crossing the road on MY road, though i don't live on it, this city is in a grid, there was a street parallell that she should've been on, i should've been where i was. anyway. at the crossing i went a way i don't usually go for some odd reason, and hesitated to cross again and keep going straight down my road, looked up and S was standing at the crossing, had been looking at me but looked the other way in time for us to not make eye contact. she looked so fucken cute, and busy, active, adorable. we used to just lie around like cats, now we both tramp around the city like crazy people. she was wearing this cute flannel jacket with this hilarious krishna top underneath, with like krishna in a garden playing with peacocks or something haha.
i saw her though, and ran in the other direction. i didn't know what to say, i hadn't been given the warning to prepare my speech. i want to apologise and assure her that it was real for me, but we intoxicated each other so heavily there was no way we would ever work. even though we were definitely cats that were lovers in a past life. lol.
so i'm thinking that was our closure, i walked in the other direction. it's pretty fitting. that's what's happened every time with us anyway.

i think my problem is that i know the second i fully accept and love myself, is the second there is an end to love for others as a mystery to me. i love so heavily now, but i know that once i know what it really is in it's ultimate 'pure' form it can't grow from that. i know what i mean.
 
 
the oracle
04 September 2008 @ 03:48 pm
dear you

someting that eats me is that you really are exactly like me. i've never met someone like me in the ways you are. you are deceptive and horrible, psychotic. i miss you. i miss our stability and knowing everything. it's been gone for months but i want it. if i wasn't wherever i was at the time i would've taken you up.
we will never connect with anyone else about these issues.
we are liars and it is sexy.
what you did makes me sick but i would love to get caught in your web.

xx
 
 
 
the oracle
24 August 2008 @ 05:22 pm
today i was woken by C at my door, "OMNIBUS TIME!"
from 10am til 5pm we lay half touching half not, half holding each other half not on the couch in the lounge. we watched closer, which is an amazing movie but also kind of awkward. the cycles of the couples are interesting, and the emotions kind of made us gravitate towards each other. we talked about how we had said some of the things the characters said to W and B, and she admitted that she had made B sit on the phone and accept responsibility for her self harming on the other end. "every drop of blood that leaks out of my body is your fault right now". i forced W to watch me do my entire ritual but didn't speak a word to her.
she asked me how one knows whether they're over a relationship and ready to move on, i said i don't think you never do, just hope you are worth forgiveness every time you fuck up on the people that come after it. she kind of sighed like she does when the answer is too spacey and like me, an exasperated grunt. it's really cute.
she asked me about M and whether she was dating someone, i said yes and that she'd slept with a boy the night after she'd called her and told her she'd slept with B again since breaking up with her and "committed" herself to her. she was slightly gutted. she asked about how i feel leaving my life behind so abruptly, i said "i just don't really care about anything anymore", she asked, "how can you just let it go?"

"i don't really have anything to care about anymore, so i just don't".

i don't think she really gets it. i wish i could read her mind. we sit in silence, i know she's thinking, and i know she knows i'm thinking, but we share barely 10% of what's going on in our heads. i just want to know if i'm crazy or what we have is real.
i look at her and i can't really bring myself to look away.
i speak to her and what i mean comes straight out.
we get each other and aren't afraid of saying what we mean. we NEVER argue, in fact the one time we've had any drama was a 30 second confrontation because i'd done exactly what would've been expected of me. i've changed so much. i'm good enough for her now, and it's scary, bringing myself to that level of self esteem, believing i deserve someone that i see as innocent, we have no negative history. it just seems so perfect but i don't feel like she likes me as much as i like her. sigh.
 
 
the oracle
PS.
dear cruel, cold, hostile, dank, windy, horrible, horrible NEW ZEALAND.
on the 10th day of october 2008 i plan to flee to melbourne, australia. permanently.
FUCK YOU! I FOUND A WAY OUT.
 
 
the oracle
16 August 2008 @ 10:21 pm
so, what has happened in these few months? my best friend/flatmate M has left the country, not before telling C she liked her.
of course this little revelation came as a shock to both of them, that they liked each other, and yet somehow i knew it the whole time. C and i never really spoke about what happened between us until last night. she just kind of killed it off, and watching her and M flourish and play their games kind of forced me to accept that i'll never leave W and even if i did whoever is after her won't be my life partner, haha.

i'll start earlier back though, some interesting things have happened.. nothing came of my crush on the rockstar lookalike, i was always around people that came before her so alas there was no hand holding again. about a month ago i got half raped by R, my ex lover and a random boy off the street. i pretty much lead her on being like oh woe is me noone loves me because that night C had diverted all her attention to M, snuck out at 5am, went to her house in the middle of town and she came stumbling in with a random boy actually off the street, not as in homeless but she met him at the lights around the corner and brought him home to me, fucked him pretending it was me. that last detail was never said out loud, but the way she looked at me and touched me and forced me (as far as she could) into position spoke volumes. she wanted me to want her. and i didn't. so when i snuck out of her house like five hours later she half cried, all i could do was say i'm sorry and kiss her on the forehead. we didn't speak again until last week. when i say half raped, i really blatantly didn't want to sleep with her, i wanted spoons and maybe a kiss, i didn't want to fuck her, but she wouldn't accept that. i know i could've left, and that's what makes it easier to deal with.

LAST NIGHT.
it still hasn't all sunk in, C talked to me for about two hours about how much she liked M and wanted something with her, texted her this thing committing herself to her, three bottles of wine later we were holding hands and touching pretty much right in W's face. as soon as she went to bed, C was on me. we pretty much fucked, no tops, pants undone hands where they could get to. it was really hot but also really awkward because now i have to deal with my BEST FRIEND IN THE WORLD hating me, being jealous of me. what does it all mean? while we were alone and drinking before W came home we talked about us, she said she liked me enough to go ut with me at the time this all started but when she thought about it she thought we were too crazy for each other and we would fuck each other up beyond words, "we would die". her words, not mine. i kept my mouth shut tight the entire conversation other than you know that i understand and well i just let it go anyway because no matter what we'd be second best to each other. i don't know if i believe that. i really like her. i think we could have a beautiful life together and actually grow together. am i being crazy? no matter what though, i'm at the point i can hold back, and i'm doing anything unless she is clear with me. i want her to see me.

BUT I HAVE A LIFE PARTNER THAT I DO LOVE MORE THAN THE SUN. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME.
 
 
the oracle
i had another interesting dream last night/thismorning.
i'm pretty sure there was a story before the parts i remember. i just cannot for the life of me remember it.
i ended up in a stark white room with a big set of drawers. there were three drawers.
i opened the top one, it was really easy to open, and there was nothing in it, just newspaper lining the bottom. i felt slightly disappointed. i closed it, and opened the middle drawer, it was a bit harder to get open than the top one, because in it was W sleeping.
i looked at her and felt sad, pushed it closed- out of sight out of mind i guess.

the bottom drawer.
it was realy fucken hard to open, i had to use both of my arms. i yanked it open and in it was C and B.
at first i thought they were eachother, B was closer to me, on the left, facing straight up, with her arm behind her head, looking strong, or nonchalant, or just, looking like the one with the power/control. C was on her side on the right clinging to B. i thought B should've been clinging to C. there was a space for another person next to B. i looked at it, but i knew i was supposed to be in there with just C. i dragged B out of the drawer, got in with C and closed it up. then i woke up.

apparently drawers represent your hidden state of being. the top one represents your ego, and the bottom on represents your deeper unconscious thoughts. i thought it was pretty interesting that my top drawer, my ego, was completely empty, and my bottom drawer had C and B in it. i've had weird feelings for both of them since everything came out. i wish someone would tell me what the middle drawer is, is it my present consciousness? i would assume it represents what's on my plate.

so basically, as i've interpretted it, my ego/self esteem is fucked to shit, so i've put people in my drawers, people that i'll never be able to properly connect with. W being alone in my present consciousness or whatever the right words would be for that, is kind of interesting too, but i'd at least expect another copy of me to be in there with her because i feel like i am working with her. but no, it was just her alone, and i think that's what my dream is trying to tell me, i'm not actually focussing on myself still, i'm still trying to find me within other people. i'm holding onto her but not us, which i think is what i should be doing- holding onto us i mean.
and getting into the drawer with C, well that's pretty obvious to me. i am attracted to her, have always been attracted to her, but right now she is the only person i feel safe enough to hide with, lock myself in a drawer with. which is confusing for me, dampening the desire to fuck her brains out. i know if i fucked her she'd fuck off and wouldn't talk to me, and my life would be more ruined because i'd lose the one person who understands me and what's eating me right about now.

i'm changing so much, i think i preferred being an insensitive arrogant cunt eyes.
being weak is such a hard choice to make, admitting i don't know what i feel or why i don't know. trying to live today knowing i'll probably know just as little tomorrow, the next day, and the day after that.

oh i almost forgot, a girl that i've had a crush on since i met her like just over a year ago came and stayed with us on the weekend and i'd finally gotten to the point that i didn't think she'd ever be interested in me, we half held hands! she looks kinda like one of my favourite rockstars and is like immensely cute, kinda shyish and has a social problem- just the way i like them haha.
anyway, i figured when we were all mooshed up on the couch that we were just touching cos we had to, but as more room became available she didn't move. she put her arm on mine, but still on top of the covers and i was under them. i ended up moving my hand right up on hers, we could feel eachother's hands through the blankets and we were kind of like twitching. then she moved and put her hand under the blankets. i was being real sneaky cos i didn't want C or M to pick up on what was going on, and i was getting embarrassed because W came home, and my hand was sweaty as, so we ended up just like, having our arms wrapped around eachother's arms, and stroking eachother's legs. and we were holding feet too haha. i'm pretty sure that W and C noticed what was going on but neither of them said anything. mind you, C doesn't really talk to me about my relations with other people anymore. when T comes back i'm gonna pash her. we had a moment when W went to get changed and C went toilet where we kinda looked at eachother and i thought for a second maybe i should kiss her, but because there was no overt hand holding i decided that pouncing on her was probably the wrong thing to do. i'm not gonna tell anyone about it though. i think that's how i cursed C and i. i mean i know we're not gonna get together, but we could've had a bit of a more interesting love affair. i mean we still half smash together when we're alone but she totally digs on M and forgets i even exist when she's there. way to fucken drive a pipe between me and my best friend haha. anyway, i ain't telling noone about T cos i have liked her for so long and once again M and her have something going on. but M should just fuck off outta my friends, and stop making them think they'll fall in love cos she's leaving. i have to admit that i'm waiting for her leaving, and i'll be disappointed when/if she comes back. i'm totally the shittest friend on the face of the planet.

i know i'm just searching for a bandage. i just want someone to stop my bleeding cos i'm draining quick.
she told me i've been plaguing her dreams, and i felt bad because she wasn't plaguing mine.
 
 
the oracle
07 May 2008 @ 01:20 pm
C and i haven't spoken about what happened between us since a few days after my last post.
a few days after that i slept over again on the couch in P's room, next to C. in the morning we woke up and clumsily felt each other up. i definitely have feelings for her now, but i know M also still has feelings for her, and she has feelings for her in return. it's messy.
C is back with B. they're moving in together again.
i'm not really sure what i think about anything anymore though, i wanna think things are getting better between W and i, i love her yeah, but i don't trust her at all and i haven't even started to work on forgiving her. to be honest i don't think i ever will be able to forgive her.
i want everything to be easy.
i fucking hate them so much for hurting me and fucking with my life.

somebody should come and steal me away and tell me i'm amazing and wonderful and i don't deserve to feel how i do, they'll love me, forever, really, without any fuck ups along the way, protect me, challenge me, stimulate me, fuck me, argue with me, be passionate and mean it all.
but that's never gonna happen.